Sibling rivalry is universal, but more importantly sibling rivalry is normal. More than that current research shows that sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy family. In dysfunctional homes often there is no sibling rivalry. The children tend to cling together for security.
The Benefits of Sibling Rivalry Sibling rivalry teaches children conflict resolution. Life is full of conflict. As adults we must have skills to resolve conflicts in an effective and civil manner. How did we develop these skills? We learned this by pounding our little brother. We learned this by fighting with our big sister. You can only learn conflict resolution when there is conflict. Sibling rivalry provides a safe and supervised haven for children to learn how to resolve their disagreements with others.
Another lesson we learn through sibling rivalry is that the world is not fair. This is an unpleasant but important lesson. There is always some who will do better than you. There is always someone who is richer, who is smarter, who has better behaved children, who has a happier marriage. Life is full of inequities. We may not like it but most of us have come to terms with these inequities.
How to Oversee the Conflict Resolution Since the purpose of sibling rivalry is to learn how to resolve conflicts with others, you must try to let your children work out disputes themselves. You should direct them when necessary, but give them as little direction as possible.
What You Should Do Create a situation where the motivation is to resolve their differences. There are times they can't work it out- s you coach them give them ideas how to compromise but the best thing is to have them resolve it themselves.
For example, say they are fighting over a toy. One child says he had it first. The other says he didn't get to play with it at all yesterday and now it's his turn. Who is right? That is impossible to say. So what could you do?
Tell them you don't know who is right about the toy, but if they are fighting about it they are both wrong. Then take it away from them and tell them that when they work out a way of sharing it they can have it back. You will be surprised how fast most children will be able to work out something.
What to Watch Out For Your job as a parent is to not solve your children's problems, but to teach them how to solve them themselves. They must learn to make compromises. As much as possible they should be the ones who work out the compromise. However, there are some things you should watch for to be sure they are doing a good job.
Be on Alert for the Child Who is too Good Some children avoid conflict by nature. They would rather give in and be the "good one" than get what they were originally after. If one of your children is like this you have to be on guard. Constantly giving in is not acceptable. It is not good for the child who gives in because it trains him to be a target to be easily exploited. It is not good for the other child because it teaches him to take advantage of the good nature of others. You must make sure that each child gets something out of the compromise.
When You Can't Minimize the Differences Not all children are equally easy to raise. Some children need a disproportionate amount of your time and attention and resources. This is a reality. You will not be able to spread yourself out evenly. There is nothing you can do about this. If you have a child that needs an exorbitant amount of attention, for example if the child is chronically ill, then you should discuss this with the other children. Explain to them that their brother or sister is ill and needs a lot of attention right now. You might even try to get them involved in helping the sick child.
Sibling rivalry is one of the least discussed topics in child raising. Yet sibling rivalry is part of every family when there is more than one child. Sibling rivalry plays an important role in molding your children. How a person acts as an adult is in a large part a result of his relationships with his siblings. Your role is to teach your children how to function as an adult. You should use how your children relate to each other as a tool so that they can learn to relate to others in the future.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Tips to Deal With Troubled Teens
Adolescence is a chaotic time at best. It’s like you go to sleep a child and wake up something else, not quite an adult. Not only are hormonal fluctuations causing your body to change dramatically pretty much overnight, but your place in society is kind of in limbo as well. It’s enough to make even the most well adjusted person question his place in the world. Even though it is a phase in life that every living thing must go through, it’s not at all a smooth transition. Some graduate into adulthood relatively unscathed, but for some it’s the start of a long, tough road that spirals down to a life-long path of despair and destruction.
Adolescence is when kids start to pull away from their parents emotionally so they can prepare to separate from the family unit and form their identity as an individual. So don’t be overly concerned when your teen starts spending more and more time in her room or out with friends. At times it might even seem like she’s trying to drive you away. Try not to take it too personally. This process may be painful for all involved, but it’s absolutely necessary for your child to grow into a happy, stable adult.
Teenagers tend to gravitate away from the family unit and cling to their group of friends. This is their way of testing how they will interact with society at large. You will probably have concerns about these creatures your child is trying to spend her ever waking hour with. Keep in mind that all these other kids are in the middle of the same turmoil yours is going through.
Be patient, and try not to judge her friends by their appearance. Under all those chains, piercings and bright blue Mohawks might be some completely decent kids. They’re just trying to find themselves. What you need to pay close attention to is how these kids behave. Keep an eye out for signs of drug use. Younger kids are probably not going to have the experience or contacts to access a variety of drugs, so you’re probably not going to see needle tracks. Look for more subtle signs like erratic behavior, bloodshot eyes, missing money or other valuables when they leave, paranoia or excessive nervousness. Also be on the lookout for any wounds that might be self-inflicted. Trust your gut. This is when you have to jump in and take action. There are a variety of treatment options, from talk therapy to inpatient hospitals. Keep in touch with what your children are up to so you can catch the warning signs.
Adolescence is when kids start to pull away from their parents emotionally so they can prepare to separate from the family unit and form their identity as an individual. So don’t be overly concerned when your teen starts spending more and more time in her room or out with friends. At times it might even seem like she’s trying to drive you away. Try not to take it too personally. This process may be painful for all involved, but it’s absolutely necessary for your child to grow into a happy, stable adult.
Teenagers tend to gravitate away from the family unit and cling to their group of friends. This is their way of testing how they will interact with society at large. You will probably have concerns about these creatures your child is trying to spend her ever waking hour with. Keep in mind that all these other kids are in the middle of the same turmoil yours is going through.
Be patient, and try not to judge her friends by their appearance. Under all those chains, piercings and bright blue Mohawks might be some completely decent kids. They’re just trying to find themselves. What you need to pay close attention to is how these kids behave. Keep an eye out for signs of drug use. Younger kids are probably not going to have the experience or contacts to access a variety of drugs, so you’re probably not going to see needle tracks. Look for more subtle signs like erratic behavior, bloodshot eyes, missing money or other valuables when they leave, paranoia or excessive nervousness. Also be on the lookout for any wounds that might be self-inflicted. Trust your gut. This is when you have to jump in and take action. There are a variety of treatment options, from talk therapy to inpatient hospitals. Keep in touch with what your children are up to so you can catch the warning signs.
Keeping Your Kids Active
Keeping kids active today is becoming increasingly difficult. Most parents blame video and computer games for this, as well as the Internet in general. While those things have certainly contributed to a more sedentary lifestyle, it is really up to the parents to keep children active as much as possible. One of the best ways to do this is to stay active with them. Young children often play outside with others in the neighborhood, but there are some children that do not fit in with their peers, and there are also children that grow up in neighborhoods where there are no other children or where it is not safe to play outside without adults. For these children, and for others that are not getting enough exercise, parents must work to keep them active. Taking them to the park is helpful, but after a while this ceases to be interesting, so parents must find other ways of ensuring that their children stay active. One way to do this is to have them take a class such as martial arts or ballet where they will get consistent exercise. If a parent can take the class with them, that is even better, but some classes are designed only for children.
Naturally, a kid should not be forced to enroll in something that he or she will not enjoy, regardless of whether exercise is needed. For children that do not want to enroll in this kind of structured activity, though, there are other options. Playing Frisbee or horseshoes or badminton with parents or other relatives can help a kid stay active, as can outdoor play with friends. This does not mean that a child should be forbidden to play video games or watch television. However, the time spent doing those things should be limited. This is especially true if the kid is not in a physical education class at school or if he or she makes no effort at all to get any kind of exercise. Children that stay active are less likely to be obese, and they often have fewer health problems as they get older, making staying active very important for them both now and in the future.
Naturally, a kid should not be forced to enroll in something that he or she will not enjoy, regardless of whether exercise is needed. For children that do not want to enroll in this kind of structured activity, though, there are other options. Playing Frisbee or horseshoes or badminton with parents or other relatives can help a kid stay active, as can outdoor play with friends. This does not mean that a child should be forbidden to play video games or watch television. However, the time spent doing those things should be limited. This is especially true if the kid is not in a physical education class at school or if he or she makes no effort at all to get any kind of exercise. Children that stay active are less likely to be obese, and they often have fewer health problems as they get older, making staying active very important for them both now and in the future.
What Does Your Child Really Need From You
Most parents want to be good parents. Yet parenting is one of those things that does not have hard and fast rules. So how do we know what to do?
How do we know what will support our children in being all they can be? One of the most important things for parents to do is to learn to trust their own intuition. Your feelings tell you when you are on course or off course in your behavior with your children. When things feel right inside, then you know that you are being a truly loving parent, and when they feel wrong inside, you know you are out of alignment with what is in your highest good and your children's highest good.
So the first thing your child needs from you is to trust your inner knowing rather than any book you read. Your child needs your loving presence - not your busy preoccupied presence. For your children to feel important to you, they need to feel you fully present with them - reading to them daily, playing with them, holding and comforting them, and listening to them. Your children need for you to create a healthy environment for them by feeding them healthy food, restricting screen time - TV, computer, video games - and making sure they play outdoors and get enough exercise. They need your encouragement to develop their hobbies and interests. They need you to try natural remedies before resorting to drugs for illness, so that you don't set them up for more illness with the side effects of drugs. They need for you to be a good role model of self-care. Children need to see their parents taking full responsibility for their own feelings instead of being victims and blaming others. With this role modeling, they will also learn to take full responsibility for their own feelings. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach will support you in becoming this loving role model for your children.
How do we know what will support our children in being all they can be? One of the most important things for parents to do is to learn to trust their own intuition. Your feelings tell you when you are on course or off course in your behavior with your children. When things feel right inside, then you know that you are being a truly loving parent, and when they feel wrong inside, you know you are out of alignment with what is in your highest good and your children's highest good.
So the first thing your child needs from you is to trust your inner knowing rather than any book you read. Your child needs your loving presence - not your busy preoccupied presence. For your children to feel important to you, they need to feel you fully present with them - reading to them daily, playing with them, holding and comforting them, and listening to them. Your children need for you to create a healthy environment for them by feeding them healthy food, restricting screen time - TV, computer, video games - and making sure they play outdoors and get enough exercise. They need your encouragement to develop their hobbies and interests. They need you to try natural remedies before resorting to drugs for illness, so that you don't set them up for more illness with the side effects of drugs. They need for you to be a good role model of self-care. Children need to see their parents taking full responsibility for their own feelings instead of being victims and blaming others. With this role modeling, they will also learn to take full responsibility for their own feelings. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach will support you in becoming this loving role model for your children.
How to Discipline your Children
How to Discipline Children by Being Firm:
Firstly find and maintain firmness for yourself and then follow through with firm clear directions in a firm, clear tone. Clarify for your self what being firm means. To be firm is to be certain, definite, and determined. It is also being loving, kind and calm. It means saying no and meaning no, or saying yes and meaning yes and sticking to it. It's about now being now. How often does your no become perhaps, later, maybe giving in, next time, soon, or alright then? This is a very common fault in how to discipline children and again it leads to numerous mixed messages for children.
Resolve within yourself and with your partner's help to ascertain how often you are both easily swayed into changing your decisions. Are you allowing your children to manipulate you? Imagine how simple your life will become when you are clear and firm within yourself. It is every child's right to KNOW they can trust their parent's boundaries. So firstly, become firm with your own boundaries and then apply this to your parenting discipline. "It is bedtime, (bath time, meal time) in five minutes" is a clear direction. Now follow through on this. Giving the direction in a calm, clear, firm tone of voice helps your children to understand that you mean what you say. Being firm is about being in control of both yourself and the situation.
With parenting discipline we are teaching our children how to have self control, self discipline and to become self reliant, so they are able to make good choices for themselves. The only way children can learn to do this is by being given the opportunities for this learning. This means not over protecting them, or doing everything for them, but maximizing their opportunities to learn through personal experience and observation, even when this means making mistakes. Can you see the opportunities here to change some of your own patterns of behavior into superior ones? Clear, firm, consistent parenting is quality parenting. You learn to trust your own responses and your children are surrounded by your loving constancy. This is the recipe for creating a happy, well adjusted family.
Firstly find and maintain firmness for yourself and then follow through with firm clear directions in a firm, clear tone. Clarify for your self what being firm means. To be firm is to be certain, definite, and determined. It is also being loving, kind and calm. It means saying no and meaning no, or saying yes and meaning yes and sticking to it. It's about now being now. How often does your no become perhaps, later, maybe giving in, next time, soon, or alright then? This is a very common fault in how to discipline children and again it leads to numerous mixed messages for children.
Resolve within yourself and with your partner's help to ascertain how often you are both easily swayed into changing your decisions. Are you allowing your children to manipulate you? Imagine how simple your life will become when you are clear and firm within yourself. It is every child's right to KNOW they can trust their parent's boundaries. So firstly, become firm with your own boundaries and then apply this to your parenting discipline. "It is bedtime, (bath time, meal time) in five minutes" is a clear direction. Now follow through on this. Giving the direction in a calm, clear, firm tone of voice helps your children to understand that you mean what you say. Being firm is about being in control of both yourself and the situation.
With parenting discipline we are teaching our children how to have self control, self discipline and to become self reliant, so they are able to make good choices for themselves. The only way children can learn to do this is by being given the opportunities for this learning. This means not over protecting them, or doing everything for them, but maximizing their opportunities to learn through personal experience and observation, even when this means making mistakes. Can you see the opportunities here to change some of your own patterns of behavior into superior ones? Clear, firm, consistent parenting is quality parenting. You learn to trust your own responses and your children are surrounded by your loving constancy. This is the recipe for creating a happy, well adjusted family.
Emotional Development and Self Esteem in Children
Many theorists have suggested the emotional development of a child, or the core of one’s self esteem needs to be understood and fostered at home and in the classroom.
By the time a child is three years old, he or she is an emotionally complex person who has experienced a wide range of emotions. As parents, teachers, and caregivers we need to help promote our children’s emotional development so that they will be able to develop healthy relationships with their peers and learn how to manage their emotions effectively.
In younger children, self-esteem is not measured by their self worth, but by how well the loved ones in their lives respect and respond to their particular needs. For example, children with a lack of role models or a lack of parental support tend to have a lower self-esteem because they feel that these adults do not accept or care about them. This is the main factor which children base their level of self-esteem on through out their childhood and then on into adulthood.In the magazine American Baby it states, “What’s usually the fastest way to soothe a crying baby? Snuggle together while gently stroking him. Your touch has an amazing power to communicate love” (Wu, 2004). What this is pointing out is that the infant is responding to the trusted adult’s touch basing its emotional development on this form of communication and overall establishing the child’s future trust and self-esteem.
One big question about self-esteem is, “The more you praise your child, and the more self esteem your child will have. This is correct, isn't it?” (Cyperparent, 2004). The answer to this question is not as simple it seems. It has been said that if you continuously praise a child, it may make the child question the sincerity of that adult, causing them to soon dismiss these praises as “fake” and eventually hindering their self esteem. Even young children can see through excessive praise and flattery (KidSource, 2004). This is very important in today’s classroom. Research suggests that we should praise, but also challenge and encourage the student to take risks. Praising your children and your students should be only one aspect of raising self-esteem.
There are many ways a teacher can establish a child’s emotional development. As we have stated previously, children build their self-esteem and emotional development based of the adults who they are close to and whom they spend a lot of time with. Teachers need to encourage children by building upon their self-esteem in their lesson plans so that their students will feel comfortable and confident with themselves. A teacher can make their students feel more confident by giving each child a specific responsibility. This is not only exciting for the child, but it also provides an opportunity for the student to gain some ownership of the classroom. A teacher can also show the students to how to learn from past failed attempts.
Emotional Development is important to understand because it can really help the child all the way into adulthood. Amos Alcott once said, “The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence” (Quote, 2004). Teachers and parents are responsible for the emotional development of the children and the influence they share with these children can affect the children’s lives forever.
By the time a child is three years old, he or she is an emotionally complex person who has experienced a wide range of emotions. As parents, teachers, and caregivers we need to help promote our children’s emotional development so that they will be able to develop healthy relationships with their peers and learn how to manage their emotions effectively.
In younger children, self-esteem is not measured by their self worth, but by how well the loved ones in their lives respect and respond to their particular needs. For example, children with a lack of role models or a lack of parental support tend to have a lower self-esteem because they feel that these adults do not accept or care about them. This is the main factor which children base their level of self-esteem on through out their childhood and then on into adulthood.In the magazine American Baby it states, “What’s usually the fastest way to soothe a crying baby? Snuggle together while gently stroking him. Your touch has an amazing power to communicate love” (Wu, 2004). What this is pointing out is that the infant is responding to the trusted adult’s touch basing its emotional development on this form of communication and overall establishing the child’s future trust and self-esteem.
One big question about self-esteem is, “The more you praise your child, and the more self esteem your child will have. This is correct, isn't it?” (Cyperparent, 2004). The answer to this question is not as simple it seems. It has been said that if you continuously praise a child, it may make the child question the sincerity of that adult, causing them to soon dismiss these praises as “fake” and eventually hindering their self esteem. Even young children can see through excessive praise and flattery (KidSource, 2004). This is very important in today’s classroom. Research suggests that we should praise, but also challenge and encourage the student to take risks. Praising your children and your students should be only one aspect of raising self-esteem.
There are many ways a teacher can establish a child’s emotional development. As we have stated previously, children build their self-esteem and emotional development based of the adults who they are close to and whom they spend a lot of time with. Teachers need to encourage children by building upon their self-esteem in their lesson plans so that their students will feel comfortable and confident with themselves. A teacher can make their students feel more confident by giving each child a specific responsibility. This is not only exciting for the child, but it also provides an opportunity for the student to gain some ownership of the classroom. A teacher can also show the students to how to learn from past failed attempts.
Emotional Development is important to understand because it can really help the child all the way into adulthood. Amos Alcott once said, “The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence” (Quote, 2004). Teachers and parents are responsible for the emotional development of the children and the influence they share with these children can affect the children’s lives forever.
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