Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is universal, but more importantly sibling rivalry is normal. More than that current research shows that sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy family. In dysfunctional homes often there is no sibling rivalry. The children tend to cling together for security.

The Benefits of Sibling Rivalry Sibling rivalry teaches children conflict resolution. Life is full of conflict. As adults we must have skills to resolve conflicts in an effective and civil manner. How did we develop these skills? We learned this by pounding our little brother. We learned this by fighting with our big sister. You can only learn conflict resolution when there is conflict. Sibling rivalry provides a safe and supervised haven for children to learn how to resolve their disagreements with others.

Another lesson we learn through sibling rivalry is that the world is not fair. This is an unpleasant but important lesson. There is always some who will do better than you. There is always someone who is richer, who is smarter, who has better behaved children, who has a happier marriage. Life is full of inequities. We may not like it but most of us have come to terms with these inequities.

How to Oversee the Conflict Resolution Since the purpose of sibling rivalry is to learn how to resolve conflicts with others, you must try to let your children work out disputes themselves. You should direct them when necessary, but give them as little direction as possible.

What You Should Do Create a situation where the motivation is to resolve their differences. There are times they can't work it out- s you coach them give them ideas how to compromise but the best thing is to have them resolve it themselves.
For example, say they are fighting over a toy. One child says he had it first. The other says he didn't get to play with it at all yesterday and now it's his turn. Who is right? That is impossible to say. So what could you do?
Tell them you don't know who is right about the toy, but if they are fighting about it they are both wrong. Then take it away from them and tell them that when they work out a way of sharing it they can have it back. You will be surprised how fast most children will be able to work out something.

What to Watch Out For Your job as a parent is to not solve your children's problems, but to teach them how to solve them themselves. They must learn to make compromises. As much as possible they should be the ones who work out the compromise. However, there are some things you should watch for to be sure they are doing a good job.

Be on Alert for the Child Who is too Good Some children avoid conflict by nature. They would rather give in and be the "good one" than get what they were originally after. If one of your children is like this you have to be on guard. Constantly giving in is not acceptable. It is not good for the child who gives in because it trains him to be a target to be easily exploited. It is not good for the other child because it teaches him to take advantage of the good nature of others. You must make sure that each child gets something out of the compromise.

When You Can't Minimize the Differences Not all children are equally easy to raise. Some children need a disproportionate amount of your time and attention and resources. This is a reality. You will not be able to spread yourself out evenly. There is nothing you can do about this. If you have a child that needs an exorbitant amount of attention, for example if the child is chronically ill, then you should discuss this with the other children. Explain to them that their brother or sister is ill and needs a lot of attention right now. You might even try to get them involved in helping the sick child.

Sibling rivalry is one of the least discussed topics in child raising. Yet sibling rivalry is part of every family when there is more than one child. Sibling rivalry plays an important role in molding your children. How a person acts as an adult is in a large part a result of his relationships with his siblings. Your role is to teach your children how to function as an adult. You should use how your children relate to each other as a tool so that they can learn to relate to others in the future.